October 10, 2020
D. ALCOTT/A. Lapthorne
THE MODERATOR: Questions, please.
Q. What have you been working on leading into the final that got you off to a good start?
ANDY LAPTHORNE: Don't know. Just tried to go out and play aggressive. Probably going to be my last match for a while. I'm going to take a break from tennis for a bit, try to get my mind fixed.
I've been probably struggling now for nearly a year with things in the mind. Probably been a bit in denial as to what it actually is, what it was. Just try to tell myself to man up and go on with it.
A point now where it's becoming too difficult to do that. Had some nice messages from home. Some big conversations over the last few days because I've been at the breaking point. People know me, know how I've been over the last couple weeks, is not myself. It's just really tough.
It's one of those things, it's a strange feeling. If I knew how to deal with it, I would deal with it. Right now I'm in a place where I find it really difficult, like lots of people after lockdown. Yeah, just not really feeling myself, to be honest. Happy to get to the final, happy to get through that match. If I'm honest, it was really difficult to get out of bed this morning and put myself in a position I did today, which was going onto a big court under high pressure live on TV against probably the best player that's ever played in our division. With the way I was feeling mentally, it was very difficult.
Happy to get through it. I'll go home now and I'll go and speak to my guy that I speak to. We'll see where we are. Hope that I can be back rearing to go ready for Australia. But no guarantees right now, because I need to look after myself and I need to get right before I start coming out for these events again.
Q. Did you say you lost somebody during lockdown?
ANDY LAPTHORNE: No, no. Yeah, so my nan passed away during lockdown, which was really tough. Ever since then, it's just brought on feelings that are very difficult because you get on with your day, you speak to people, you carry on like you always do, but deep down you know something is not quite right.
At the moment it's affecting my performance. It's affecting my ability to be able to compete, which is something I pride myself on. It really is affecting tennis. It's bringing out emotions that I'm finding very difficult to deal with, very difficult to combat.
Yeah, it's just one of those things. I'm sure there are lots of people out there after everything that's happened this year that are finding it tough. I'm going into high-pressure situations not feeling right. It's just very tough. It's no excuses. He played the better tennis. I didn't play well enough to win.
For me now there needs to be a period of time, I don't know how long, where I need to go away. I need to be away from tennis. I need to go and fix myself. Then I need to see whether I can come back and be who I was and come back and be happy, come back and enjoy what I'm doing.
Right now, putting myself in high-pressure environments at Grand Slams is probably not the right thing for me to be doing right at this moment in time.
Q. You are said your nan died during lockdown. Was it an auntie of yours that passed away last year?
ANDY LAPTHORNE: Yeah, I've had around like Grand Slams over the last five, six years, I've had both my nans, both my aunties pass away and other family members have been ill, so it's been really difficult. It's never easy. I'm sure everyone goes through it.
I think maybe a combination of things, me not dealing with certain things, just carrying on, being the old, C'mon, man up, get on with it.
It's come to a head the last two weeks, I'll be honest with you. It's got to a point where I haven't competed. I haven't been able to play the way I'd like to play. I haven't been able to find the energy. I haven't been able to sleep. I haven't been able to do things I normally do.
My personality has changed over the last I'd say six months. I used to be able to have a laugh, be happy, be on it the way I usually would. Just really happy to get through the match because I probably didn't deserve, he was probably the better player.
Yeah, just one of them things where it's been a tough time. I probably been a bit in denial as to how I'm feeling, having dealt with certain stuff that I could have dealt with better. I need to go back and I need to speak to specialists, find myself again, then decide when is the right time to come out and be at these events.
This is elite level sport. No one's going to come and give you a hug here. Everyone wants to beat you. For someone that's really struggling deep down, being in these environments can be very difficult because at the end of the day the coaches are trying to get the best out of you. Their job is to push you to the limit. The opponents are trying to beat you. The press want to talk to you. The drug testers want to drug test you. There's no hiding place when you come to these events.
Yeah, time out of the limelight, time at home speaking to the right people, hopefully I'll be ready and rearing going for Australia. No guarantees right now. Don't know how long it's going to take me to get back feeling the way I want to feel, to be able to feel comfortable to come to these events.
Yeah, it's been a tough time. But we move on. I just wanted to let you guys know that if you don't see me on the courts, in tournaments, at the Masters, I'm going away to try and fix some things and hopefully be back stronger.
Q. Don't ever tell yourself to man up. It's not good.
ANDY LAPTHORNE: I will do, mate.
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